Sometimes I watch my love and think, why the hell do I live so far away?I love the way he smiles and how he laughs and it makes me feel like a moron. I feel like I should have moved and not stayed so far away from him for school because we’d probably be married and living in our own space where we could be nothing but watching tv, reading and cuddling. And although we would work to pay our bills it would be so lovely to go to the grocery store to buy food for the two of us.
I would love to know I’m cooking for him.
Sometimes when I’m in my apartment preparing dinner for myself I think, would He like this? Would He like this dish? Would He like the combination of stir fry? Or would He like this traditional dish my parents have been making for years? Would He like how I plated this? I think He would. I think placing two servings of this and not having leftovers would be the most wonderful moment. It makes me wonder what I’ll make the first night we’re married. Makes me wonder, will we get take out? Or will we eat dinner together at our new dining room table? Or will we eat something I put together? Will He like it?
I stop myself from thinking like this because He’s far away and I can’t cook for Him. Although being with Him this weekend makes me sad and happy. Sad because I miss Him and He’s not even gone and happy because cooking for Him and watching TV with Him makes me so happy I can’t take it. It makes wonder why would I deprive myself of this happiness?
Then I look beside me and see the book I’m reading and analyzing for class and the open word document where I’m working on my thesis and realize that I’m thrilled to be in school working on my masters. Working on getting that awesome paycheck. I think about how even though I make a salary way below the poverty line I’m so happy because I’m teaching and working towards an M.F.A which doesn’t mean anything except I’m a nerd who loves to read and doesn’t mind working on papers. It means that in two years universities may want me to be part of their faculty. Some publishing companies may find my fiction brilliant and will want me to keep writing more. Or some university will want me to teach their students. my obsession about the beauty that is Frankenstein.
And although I’m sacrificing and He’s sacrificing our being together, it will be worth it because His career should be set and so should mine. But in the meantime it really sucks not being with Him and not coming home to His blue eyes. Instead I’m coming home to myself, cooking for myself and sleeping by myself. My goodness I miss Him and my God I hate this phone. I hate that our phones are keeping us together. I wonder many nights, if we were living in a pre-cell phone era would we still try to work it out.? Would we call each other on our landlines and spend the money on those long distance phone calls?. Would we write each other letters, would we still be together?
I tell myself yes, because I see when He looks at me that we would work it out. We’d work it out because we need other.
Tags: cell phones, long distance, love, Random, relationships
