More on Running

If I didn’t run I’d seriously be crazy.

The Undecided Voter

 

Although, I am completely sick and tired of this presidential campaign and look forward to November 4^th , almost as much as Thanksgiving, it is for

 

three reasons. One reason being, I can’t take all the ads on TV that make outrageous claims about both canidates,  the passion and biogtry that has been stirred up in the population that is following the election will hopefully die down, and finally I won’t have to think about who to vote for anymore because for the first time in years I have no clue who the hell to vote for.

 

First of all the ads sound more like something you would witness (and maybe might believe) if you lived in a world where soap operas are real and sarcasim is truth. The music that the ads use remind me of tense scenes one might see on General Hospital and the dramatic voice that is telling lies is so meladramatic. Not to mention, the content of these ads might as well say, “Do you want a president who eats babies? Then vote for Obama” or “McCain, the kitten and puppy killer, not ready to run our country.” It disgusts me that both parties have invested so much money to produce these ads that say nothing about how they will improve the current situation our country is in, and seemingly discuss issues like William Hiers and voting with Bush. I want to know what Obama and McCain will bring to this current crisis that our country is facing.

 

Also, the prejudice attitude (no not black and white) that this election has brought out in people is disgusting. I’m talking about how if mentioning your pro-life all of a sudden means you think Bush is God and you’re a right winged conservative maniac who thinks Sarah Palin is an angel sent from Heaven to fix our country. Or by saying universal health care is a good idea, you get reactions from your co-workers that you are an elitist communist loving liberal who wants complete government control. It seems that neither Obama nor McCain brings a moderate (no not the type of side politically you swear allgiance to) perspective to the campaign. Instead they both seem like extremists, especially if you watch any kind of TV.

 

It disturbs me to see people speaking so ignorantly about both parties, blaming them both on the economic situation, the war, health care and every issue our country is dealing with. It is ridiculous. ENOUGH ALREADY!

 

I think partly because of all this negativity and wishing both of the canidates could lose and each party should have to pick a new canidate to run for president because they both have their issues. And I’m aware (trust me) that there isn’t a canidate that I will find myself agreeing with completely but it would be do refreshing to find someone to run this country that wasn’t so heavily labeled. Like instead of saying there are pro-life and having an anti-feminst connotation sticking to them that they want to overturn Roe vs. Wade and eliminate rights to women; it would be so wonderful to have a candiate say, “no I don’t want to overturn Roe vs. Wade, I just want to look into who is getting abortions and make sure they aren’t abusing their right.” Doesn’t that make so much more sense than “Let’s get rid of abortion clinics.” Or even making it a law that a woman has to see an ultra sound before they decide, or really informing women of what the effects are both physically and mentally to having an abortion. Do these ideas make a crazy pro-life person? I don’t think so. I think it puts me smack dab in the middle of pro-choice and pro-life.

 

And this is just one issue and issue that is barely talked about. What about looking at credit card companies and banks who simply give away credit when our society doesn’t seem to realize credit and loans are not free money.

 

I know I’ve gone on for a long time, but I’m confused and I feel like talking about it with people who interupt and try so desperately to make you think they are right and belittle your ideals has only made it worse. It would be nice (and I’m aware we don’t live in this world) if people would not be so nasty.

 

November 4^th can’t come soon enough for this undecided voter. I may stand

 

in the booth on Tuesday for longer than most but it’s only because I have no idea which direction I want my vote (which I do believe counts) to go in.

Ramblings

Sometimes I watch my love and think, why the hell do I live so far away?I love the way he smiles and how he laughs and it makes me feel like a moron. I feel like I should have moved and not stayed so far away from him for school because we’d probably be married and living in our own space where we could be nothing but watching tv, reading and cuddling. And although we would work to pay our bills it would be so lovely to go to the grocery store to buy food for the two of us.

I would love to know I’m cooking for him.

Sometimes when I’m in my apartment preparing dinner for myself I think, would He like this? Would He like this dish? Would He like the combination of stir fry? Or would He like this traditional dish my parents have been making for years? Would He like how I plated this? I think He would. I think placing two servings of this and not having leftovers would be the most wonderful moment. It makes me wonder what I’ll make the first night we’re married. Makes me wonder, will we get take out? Or will we eat dinner together at our new dining room table? Or will we eat something I put together? Will He like it?

I stop myself from thinking like this because He’s far away and I can’t cook for Him. Although being with Him this weekend makes me sad and happy. Sad because I miss Him and He’s not even gone and happy because cooking for Him and watching TV with Him makes me so happy I can’t take it. It makes wonder why would I deprive myself of this happiness?

Then I look beside me and see the book I’m reading and analyzing for class and the open word document where I’m working on my thesis and realize that I’m thrilled to be in school working on my masters. Working on getting that awesome paycheck. I think about how even though I make a salary way below the poverty line I’m so happy because I’m teaching and working towards an M.F.A which doesn’t mean anything except I’m a nerd who loves to read and doesn’t mind working on papers. It means that in two years universities may want me to be part of their faculty. Some publishing companies may find my fiction brilliant and will want me to keep writing more. Or some university will want me to teach their students. my obsession about the beauty that is Frankenstein.

And although I’m sacrificing and He’s sacrificing our being together, it will be worth it because His career should be set and so should mine. But in the meantime it really sucks not being with Him and not coming home to His blue eyes. Instead I’m coming home to myself, cooking for myself and sleeping by myself. My goodness I miss Him and my God I hate this phone. I hate that our phones are keeping us together. I wonder many nights, if we were living in a pre-cell phone era would we still try to work it out.? Would we call each other on our landlines and spend the money on those long distance phone calls?. Would we write each other letters, would we still be together?

I tell myself yes, because I see when He looks at me that we would work it out. We’d work it out because we need other.

The Blackest Sheep

Six years ago my father asked me to break my sister’s trust. He neededa document that my sister was writing on the computer. ”Needed,” the overstatement of the century. I see this now, looking back–it’s too late now though. 

She was at some after school activity, the extraction of this document was done in such an underhanded and sneaky way. I feel like an asshole now for obeying my father. That’s what I did and still do. Of course as I was getting the document my sister walked into the house. She saw this happening and her hands went straight for my neck. I was 17 and she was 16 maybe 15; I don’t remember. I do remember her incredible strength as she knocked me out of my chair and started to strangle me. The computer copied her secrets that I never read, but that our father used against her for years. Ammunition.

Almost 7 years have passed since my father acquired her teenage secrets; stories of how she deceived him and my mom, her stories of sex and drugs and God knows what else.  To make a novel length story short; a ton of drama ensued. My father is a good man a really good man, who unfortunatly made very, very, very bad choices when it came to raising one his daughters. I think his being an immigrant twice over, once when he was a teen then again when he had to raise his children, played a huge roll.

My father asking me as a teenager to break the bond I had with my sister still leaves a huge gap between us. In fact sometimes we hear each other’s voice and want to lash out at each other, regardless of a compliment or criticsm. She claims I do not love her, and is still angry about the decision I made to obey my father.  She says I am the prodigy, the one who will not disappoint. I regret every day that I listened to my father who only shares half of my DNA instead of having him get a stranger to extract the files. He didn’t really need me, he didn’t need that document. I should have kept that bond with her. What was I thinking when I listened to him?

Now she and my father argue about the idea of her moving back home after being gone for almost ten years. She and him rehash the past, her style of living, her current state of depression. I feel very much responsible for how fucked up she is and was and the crap she has gone through. I feel like I could have done a lot to make her better, to help her and our father’s relationship. 

Something happens when a girl and her daddy have a relationship that isn’t right. I pray for her and I try to talk to her but she and I communicate on a very artifical level. I feel like her, helpless.

I do think that her living with my father and mother again is a horrible idea. I have voiced this, with my loud Italian voice. I know this is short and unclear and there is so much of this story missing,  but I needed to vent.

Please pray for the blackest sheep.

The sense of direction

Females versus males on sense of direction, clearly men come up on top. Although, I have a problem with this. Perhaps “problem” isn’t the best way of putting it. I see wholes here in this stereotype.

I will not deny that my father and uncle both are incredible at knowing where they are, where they going and should a wrong turn or detour become part of their path it never becomes a hurdle and they are always back on track shortly–without asking for directions.

I also cannot deny that my mother and sister, both can get lost no matter where they are. They can be in a mall standing in front of a directory and have no clue where they are, where they are going and place a detour in their way and lord almighty they’ll be gone for days. My mother, having taken over the wheel from my dad on a road trip once drove the family around Washington D.C. for two hours while my father slept in the back of our van. Let’s just say it was not pretty when he woke up. 

I am not saying that all men have a great sense of direction although I will say that my boyfriend also is quite good at getting me un-lost. The thing is, I feel like I didn’t used to get as lost until I met him. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I’m saying I had the best sense of direction before. There have been times when my best friend and I have been lost in the newer parts of our hometown; knowing we were close to our destination but stuck in some neighborhood, hearing the Boulevard close by. Before I met my boyfriend I did occasionally find myself wandering Miami, not really knowing where, although I was always able to get myself back on track.

Now, I get lost and I’m a wreck. I loose all sense of where I am, where I’m going. I’m completely confused. I call him and give him coordinates and ask to help me get back on track. What the hell has happened to my sense of direction? Was it even there to begin with?

Here are two conflicting situations: when I went to Europe I was fifteen and had never been before. I was with my cousin who was 19 at the time. She and I went gallivanting around Florence and Rome on our own. We were in Rome one night and the subways were closed and it was late. Well, my cousin, who ironcially lives there now, had no clue how to get back to where we were staying. We must have done circles around the center for about an hour. Finally, I stepped in and pointed us in the right direction, with a simple, “remember we passed this street,” and “I remember this building.” and “we turned right coming so it must be a left now.” Slowly but surely we made our way back. That was ten years ago.

Today, I was driving to a mall I HAD BEEN TO! I knew the area, although it was downtown it’s not as confusing as ROME! Well, I was given directions, written to me neatly, by a native of the city. Off I went to shop away. Fifteen minutes into my drive I was on the other side of town and getting on the highway. I called my boyfriend, who had predicted this would happen and he guided me STREET by STREET to the mall. I felt like a moron.

So I ask you am I just dependent on the boyfriend? Has my sense of direction become victim to lack of use? What has happened to my sense of direction? Has he been sucking my sense of direction out of me?

Rules on the Dance Floor

I was out dancing with some girlfriends and it occurred to me, while I was out ,that some men need some ground rules to go by ;some guidelines. Although it was funny at the time, and in retrospect some of these social mishaps could have ended badly. However it is comforting to know that many men know these guidelines without us ladies having to be mean or bitchy. So to prevent any travesties on the dance floor or at the club here are some guidelines and personal stories that have helped me write these guidelines.

1) Buying drinks for a girl, is never a faux pas.

    While out this past week, I was out with some girlfriends and struggling at the bar to get the bartender’s attention. I finally used my big-city-girl skills and made it to the bar and ordered. The man next me, who had just ordered, saw my debit card and asked, “so, do you charge every drink?” I didn’t understand what was happening. He paid and walked away. When I went to pay for my drinks, the bartender pointed to the man who had been standing next to me. When I brought my friend and I our drinks, she said, “well, girls shouldn’t have to buy drinks anyway.” I shrugged my shoulders and enjoyed.

2) Grabbing a girl’s hand or wrapping your arms around her stomach–NEVER acceptable.

      So my girlfriends and I are dancing. Suddenly this guy comes up to my friend and grabs her hand and does this bizarre move. As he takes her hand he weaves his fingers with hers and tries do a wave-like motion with both of their arms. It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen on a dance floor. Until, he went behind my other friend and started rubbing her belly while she was dancing.  Her response to this strange behavior- turning around and saying, “you need to stop.” We all were laughing hysterically. Although it still was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen on a dance floor.

What the hell was he thinking?  

3) Circling girls like pray–a no go!

        Some more dancing ensues. My best friend must have been giving off the creeper vibe because a guy came by and tried to dance away with her. Had I not been paying attention who knows where this guy would have taken her. I quickly grabbed her hand and she pulled herself towards me. Well, this guy clearly didn’t get the picture and  continued to circle us while we were on the dance floor. It was ridiculous. It didn’t matter where on the floor we were either. It was as if we were being hunted. Creepy.

4) Get the picture.

    For you men out there at the dance clubs please heed this last bit of advice. If the lady you’re after is not responding to your awkward hand motions and belly rubbing. If she’s not feeling that whole cat and mouse game you’re going after, please get the picture. There is nothing wrong with moving on to the next chick who may respond to the circling, or hand stuff, or belly rubbing.

5) Groping–absolutely not!

         I believe this rule is self explanatory. But just in case, understand that grabbing a girls, ass and boobs is not okay unless she has okayed it; and let’s try and keep it behind closed doors.

I think mostly, we’re all out there to have a good time and socialize. Those weird moves just don’t work unless you’re being goofy. It sounds cliche, but be yourself. We probably like that version of you better anyway.

 

The Migraine

Recently, while in a state a stupidness I thought, “I don’t want to take my medication. Medication is bad for you. Vitamins are the way to go.” This thought occurred to me after reading an article about how the consumption of B-2 can aid with tension headaches and migraines. So I stopped taking my medicine (that has been working faithfully–has been a loyal friend to me for four years, got me through university). I had gone four yeas without headaches and the need to sleep off the pain and decided to stop  taking this magic pill. So I started taking this B-2. For the first few days I was fine. No headaches. Then suddenly about 2 days ago the beast awoke. My eyes have been watering, the computer screen feels like it has knives reaching out to poke my eyes out. The sound of anything is shrill. I have been taking 3 hour naps (and I don’t really nap). I can’t run. I have become completely incapacitated. So after a crappy two days I gave in my adventures in vitamins and natural healing are over. I’ll take the synthetic stuff. In fact last night I got out of my bed and took it.  

I try to figure out what the hell prompted this movement towards abandoning my medication. I have always been a big believer in, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” and yet here I was breaking it and then trying to fix it. Sometimes, I wish I could get inside my head and talk to whatever prompts these irrational decisions. I would like to have a conversation with this thing. I imagine a sort of short young girl (maybe 16ish–16 year olds don’t make the best decisions) with long brown french braids. She is wearing glasses and her clothes are questionable. Let’s just say the fashion police, should they have access to this venue of my brain would be swarming her and telling her to put her hands on her head.  She also has “gullible” embroidered on her shirt. If not “gullible” then “naturalist.” I see her and pull at her braids.  I stop myself as my eyes are watering from the goddamn migraine and say, “what the f*$% woman?”

 

 

Some thoughts

Some things that have crossed my mind the past few days:

1) It’s okay to not be busy all the time. Now that I’m finished working on the play I was the stage manager for (and cast) I now see how great it is to enjoy vacation time.

2) I can’t stop thinking about when I am going to see my boyfriend. Although this usually is a thought that is crossing my mind, there a days when it’s really strong and I want more than anything to sit with him and watch some TV. I just want to hang out with him.

3)It definitely feels like summer. The air is heavy and humid and then it rains. It makes me want to tan and read. Read and tan.

4) Getting ready for a big trip is stressful. Thank goodness I’m on vacation.

5) Apartment hunting is challenging. It’s like shopping for a prom dress. You get an idea in your head about what it should be like and then you have to find it. It also makes me want to have a roommate because being a student makes me poor.

6) Moving out of my parents house will be the best thing that has happened in a while. I feel like a crazy person in this house.

7) i’m looking forward to buying furniture and decorating my new apartment…whichever I apartment I end up choosing. Decorating is exciting.

I think I’ll grow basil, parsley and tomatoes when I get an apartment. Then I can make pesto and have fresh tomatoes and now have to spend $4.99 a pound on tomatoes.

9) I’m glad I starting running. It feels good to get the heart beat up and get all gross and sweaty.

10)I can’t wait to go to Europe. I can’t wait to go to Europe. I can’t wait to go to Europe.

 

Books, Books, Books!

I got out of the shower this afternoon and was greeted with thunder and lightening. Not that I was going to go outside and endure the summer heat; but sunlight is, in general, pleasant. So due to the inclement weather I decided it was time to read. I finally finished reading I Love You, Beth Cooper. Which I am grateful for because it was so cliche and predictable. I was upset that I hadn’t used my library card to read it for free but instead paid the $14 bucks it cost at Barnes and Noble. I didn’t like it from the very beginning but being the crazy committed reader that I am I could not quit until it was finished. I have finished every book I’ve ever started. I’m not about to start giving up on books now. Anyway, I finished this book and will happily be exchanging it at a book exchange as soon as possible.

I am irritated that I believed the “funny”, “brilliant” on the cover, seeing as those two words are the antithis of how the book actually read. It was neither ”funny” or “brilliant.” As a society we should stop decribing books as brilliant, unless they really are. Let’s not use our adjectives so lightly. 

 I have now begun reading Atonement by Ian McEwan. I don’t want to say “so far so good” but that’s generally how I feel. The man knows how to write in a female perspective and that is a talent all on its own. Having broken the rule of watching the movie first and then reading the book I will say that the film was so good that it made me want to read the book. What’s good about the book is that its characters are so well described you don’t picture the actors from the movie but are able to use your imagination to picture your own versions of them. This can be sometimes difficult after having seen the movie.

This past year I have gone on a book buying spree and my bedroom is now my library. I have debated which piece of furniture must go in order to be replaced by another bookshelf. Honestly, how important is my dresser? I used to not add books to my collection until I had read everything but now I have the pleasure of standing in front of my bookshelf and having an option. Should I had been in the mood for humor I would have gladly began reading the complete collection of short stories by Mark Twain, or one of the many James Thurber pieces I have sitting and waiting for me to read. Today however I am feeling romantic and Atonement is definitely agreeing with my mood. The weather also adds to the tone of the novel and for this I am glad that I have such a variety of books to choose from.

Who knows, come a day or two when I’ve finished reading Atonement I can read Crime and Punishment or something else from my collection. Dostoevsky, although depressing at times cracks me up. He is so neurotic.

Well, I must stop myself because I could easily write another 500 words on books and how much they make me happy. Even the smell of the paper–old or new sends endorphins through my brain. OKAY! Enough.

The Disappointment

Currently I’m living with my parents, and let me tell you at 24 I could definitely ask for a more freeing situation. Though living with my parents  has helped me get the school loan situation under control. There are times when I think I could deal with the years of debt to not have seemingly abusive comments thrown my way.

Being the oldest of three, perfection is definitely expected. Although, my mother so clearly pointed out to my youngest sister the other day, “there is no perfect child.” I’d like to think that children can come close to perfection. If not perfect then at least not feeling like the look and or tone of disappointment is warranted.

All my life I feel as though I’ve been trying to make everyone around me happy, especially my parents. Not that I would never have not gone to college seeing as I live to learn. When I graduated a semester late with an obscene amount of loans, my father continued to ask me why I wanted to attend such an expenisive to become just a teacher, or major in creative writing.

Now that I’m living with my parents again after 5 years of freedom the discussion of my debt and school of choice comes up more than necessary. When I was applying to grad school, the field of my masters was constantly being discussed. Why not education, why go for creative writing? Who needs a fine arts masters? Go for something useful, like education. Not only was the decision to go for creative writing up for discussion but the school’s location was also up for grabs. Fortunately I didn’t have to make much of a choice since I was only accepted to one program.

Of course my attempt to free myself from being close to home won’t come until I finish because as fate would have it, I was accepted to the university closest to my permanent residence. Talk about the God’s playing with the lives of humans. Even though the school is only an hour and half away I’ll be moving down there having earned my freedom I believe.

Although offered a great teaching assistantship, I’m actually really excited about starting this program come August. I would have started the day I was accepted. I was going to start come summer but decided to take advantage of that summer off and will be visiting Europe. I can’t wait. 

Although this past year I’ve been listening to my parents’ (especially my father’s) verbal abuse. I now see that this past year teaching, and saving up has prepared me for teaching at the college level. And has enabled me to be able to afford the summer up ahead. Even though I still feel like I could do more to make my parents happy I see it’s futile to try to make everyone happy. Even though my going to Europe doesn’t make my dad happy, since he believes I should make lump sum payments to Sallie Mae. It’s going to make me so happy to go to Europe and experience my last summer of freedom for awhile.

My boyfriend is right (sometimes). He says, “you’ve got to make yourself happy and then everyone else around you will be happy.” The man has a point.